Dear Lucia,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. He told me that he feels like I'm not giving him enough space for his personal life. He also told me that what he really wants is to get married with a girl of his nationality, which is a neighboring country with the same culture and similar language. His family lives in my city and I don't see a big difference between our nationalities. He pointed out that he wanted it since he was a kid and will probably end up with somebody of the same nationality.
He said that he likes me, thinks I'm a good person and doesn't want me to take things too seriously because it’s going to hurt both of us. I asked if he wants to break up and if he is seeing anybody. His answer was no.
We decided to keep things the way they are now, but if something or someone comes up we will be letting each other know in advance.
It may seem strange, but I somehow knew what he was up to from the beginning, but thought that he might change his mind on the "nationality" thing. He has always acted as a gentleman, never turned me down in any way, was always supportive and I was trying to give the same attitude back.
At first he told be that he has no intention of proposing.
I wanted to leave him right away and say that I'm not going be with somebody who is not serious about me but I held myself back. I didn't want to give the impression that I badly wanted to get married to him. I actually told him the opposite, that I have some things going on and that I'm not up to it either, at least not yet.
He said that we’ll see what happens, and if he or I meet somebody else it will end itself, but for now let’s just keep everything the way it is. I tried to calm down myself, though it was really hurting inside.
Do you think I should leave him now or wait some time? Alex
Dear Alex,
Maybe it’s true that he wants to marry someone of the same nationality, or maybe he’s using that as an excuse because he knows he doesn’t want to marry you! You’ve only been dating 5 months, which I think is generally too soon to decide whether you will or won’t marry someone.
It’s possible there are things he sees in you or the relationship which are causing him to think you are not the one. What are some things he has complained to you about that he is not happy with in terms of your relationship? Look at them honestly and see what part you play in those things.
He mentioned the personal space, so give him his space. Do not initiate calls or texts. Do not suggest getting together. Let him be the one who comes to you instead of the other way around.
Women always feel as if they have to “do”, in order to be loved.
They don’t realize they are already loveable just by “being”. Lean back and let him take the lead. I think you will be surprised at the results!
Even if I told you to leave, would you be able to? I suggest you start to see other guys while continuing to see him. You will not be so focused on him and when you do see him, I think you will be much happier because you know you have other options. Your change in attitude will also have an effect on him as he will feel less pressure from you.
Dating is supposed to be about having fun and getting to know the other person. Keep that attitude, and who knows, he may change his mind about the “nationality” criteria!
