Dear Lucia,
I recently moved in with a guy I was dating. I went to grab some of his laundry out of his basket and found a pair of women’s panties. He swears he didn't know they were there and is really angry at me for not believing him.
Also, I can't tell if he is over his ex, with whom he has a child. He talks about her and gets mad if I say anything negative about her. I feel sick about this and I don't know what to believe. Is he telling the truth? Toni
Dear Toni,
One of the biggest mistakes people make in dating is getting into a relationship with someone who isn't over their ex. This rarely works out.
What’s important here is not the panties, but his reaction to you finding them. He got defensive.
This tells me something’s probably going on. Think about it. If he found something that made it seem like you were up to something but you weren’t, would you get angry? If you were innocent, you’d probably be surprised and say you didn’t know anything, in a calm, normal tone of voice.
However, if you had something to hide, you’d get defensive (i.e. angry) to try to make the other person feel guilty and thus stop asking questions.
I once found a strand of long, dark hair in the bed of a guy I was dating. Since I’m a blonde, I knew it wasn’t mine. I got the same response as you. He didn’t know whom it belonged to or how it got there and how dare I not believe him. I later found out he was seeing someone else, and what do you know, she had long, dark hair.
At the moment you have what we call “circumstantial evidence”. It looks like something could be/have been going on but it’s not absolutely certain. The panties and his reaction are warning signs, an orange flag. Keep your eyes open for more “flags” and if something similar happens again, you need to think about moving out.
An intimate relationship is supposed to be a safe haven. It should be a place where you know someone has your back, not where you need to watch your back.
